Dry Humor
by sarsperilla
Summary: When the sluaghterhouse that Spike gets his blood from closes down virtually overnight, Buffy and the rest of the "scooby gang" grudgidly try to solve a mystery that, for once, doesn't apear to have anything to do with demons.
1. Scene 1

A/N:this "episode" would probably acure somewhere in the sixth sesson,probably after Ômrs. and mr. demon hunter'....so...uh...yeah, bye!  
Scene One:  
Spike drained the last of the burgandy liquid, then clutched the mug roughly in one hand and shook it above his gapeing mouth in hopes of scavenging the last drops. The blood stained his normally pale lips scarlet.  
He was out of blood, then. Curseing, spike kicked the mug against the far wall of his crypt. A wintry smile brushed his lips as he watched it shatter into a million abstract fragments and cascade to the floor. Behind him something squeaked.  
Spike was so startled he jumped, started, went rigid and spun around to face the noise. There was nothing. He squinted against the gloom. "Who goes there?"he barked. It was a stupid thing to say, and he knew it. He was surprised at the venom saturateing his voice, as deap a component of the words as his accent. Slowly, he turned a circle. He moved languidly, liquidly, like a cat. But inside he was tensed. A mouse scurried across the dank floor.  
Spike stared.  
He through back his head and through out his arms as though struggling to keep his balance. "BLOODY HELL!" he hollared, the slumped against the wall, shaking his head. It had only been a MOUSE. Sullenly, he flicked a crumb in the direction of the small beige rodent. It caught it between it's paws and sniffed suspicously, then begane to nibble it. Spike's smile was now bordering on sarcastic. "that's life," he murmured, cocking his head to study the mouse. "you finally get fresh blood and then it's gone, and you're looking...at fragments of a cup and jumping at mice. Peace and solace never last. Enough to turn evan a mortal bad." The mouse scampered forward, eager to see if spike held more crumbs. His whiskers quivered and spike ran a long fingure down the small creatures spine. When he spoke, his voice was soft but edged in something cold and hard. "i didn't have to work at that, did I? I've always been bad." Disapointed, the mouse scampered off.  
Spike propped himself on one elbow and yelled in his wake:"YOU KNOW IF I DIDN'T HAVE THIS BLOODY CHIP IN MY HEAD I WOULD HAVE HAD A TASTEY SNACK OF YOU!" A snicker made Spike jump for the second time that day.  
"wow, Spike, talking to mice now,huh?" Dawn stood silhouetted in the doorway, a look of sheer superiority and amusement painted on her pale, pretty features. Her dark hair hung well past her shoulders, looking perfect and feathery as though she had hovered outside the door brushing it before entering. Spike was instantly suspicous. "Nothing a little Ôdawny' time can't fix." he said sarcasticly, riseing to his feat. Dawn descended into the heart of the crypt. "Buffy sent me." she said.  
"She did??" For a moment Spike's features lightened drasticly, but then he was off cursing again. "couldn't evan bother to come in person, the---" Dawn held up her hands like a crossing guard. "Woah," she said,"easy does it. You're not going to like this. I don't think buffy wanted to be around when you heard, since you can hurt and all...." Spike glanced up at the ceiling.  
Dawn looked uneasy. "I only meant--" Spike looked down, knuckling his nose and shifting his feat. The shadow made his hollow, defined cheek bones stand out more than normal. "oh hell." he muttered, "just get on with it then." Dawn drew a deap, dragging breath and rushed on before she lost her nerve:"The slaughterhouse closed." For a moment Spike stared uncomprehensively at the girl. "not just the one in town. All of ÔPete's Cows have been shut down virtually over night. Everyone in the sunnydale, calafornia, probably the countrey....you're out of blood, Spike." Dawning comprehension was drawn across all of Spike's features. "bloody hell". 


	2. Scene 2

Scente Two:  
Riley Finn had never liked Angle. Angle or Spike. It had bothered him that they were the only demons he couldn't kill. Not because he wasn't capable. But because he couldn't bring himself to face up to Buffy afterwards. But what did she know? What she didn't know couldn't hurt her. And now he was married and rid of the slayer, although he had to admit he'd felt a pang when he'd seen Buffy again. And something a hell of a lot worse when he'd seen her with Spike. With the doctor. But mabye he only wanted an excuse to come back to sunnydale.  
What did it really matter?  
  
Buffy threw a solid punch at the dummy, and then another. It vaugely resembled an obese scarecrow. She wished giles were there to help her train. Dawn stepped into the room. "I told spike." she said. "he wasn't happy." Buffy looked over her shoulder, flicking her golden hair. "I'll bet he wasn't." she said breathily, and threw another punch.  
"but he didn't break anything...yet..." "that's" buffy's fist connected with the dummys nose, which was a jagged black line that reeked of permenant marker. "good." Dawn nodded, aranging herself on a whicker, highbacked chair in the corner of the room. "He was talking to a mouse when I got there." "what?" "Yep." Buffy couldn't stop laughing untill tears of mirth blurred her vision. Dawn raised her eyebrows and nodded. "that's our Spike." Buffy's features turned hard. "never say that again." she spat.  
Dawn recoiled from Buffy's feirce gaze. "Sorry." her voice quavered as she pulled further into the chair. Buffy stripped her fist of the cardinal red boxing gloves she was wearing. "no," she sighed, "I'M sorry, Dawn." she rubbed her temples as though she had a headache. "It's O.k. What are we going to do about ÔPete's Cows'?" "What makes you think we're going to do anything?" "Come ON, buffy!!!! You can't just let him die!" For a moment there was silence. The two sisters glared,, each one feircer then the next. Buffy's shoulders slumped. "All right...." she said reluctantly. "I guess you should be glad to finally have a problem that doesn't deal with demons."Dawn said encourgingly.  
"It does." Buffy said.  
Dawn snorted. "demons closeing down all the slaughterhouses in town? unlikely!" "It does."Buffy said again."Spike." In the frount of the magic shop, Xander unfolded a newspaper. Buffy walked in and looked over his shoulder, her hair disheivled from training. The headline was bold black ink and read:Pete's Cows Gone Missing. Xander looked up. "oh hi buff." he said, rippling the newspaper. "look at this." He begane to read the article aloud. "Meat lovers and staff of Pete's Cows alike band together in cunfusion and remorse at the discovery that every Pete's Cows in Sunnydale is sporting new decor-boards on the windows and locks on the doors." "cunfusion and remorse?" Buffy interupted, laughing.  
Xander smiled. "the soap opera of cowsville." he said. "Of farmland." Xander and Buffy turned to see Dawn.  
"It should be the Opera of Farmland." Dawn said shyly, waving at xander despite the fact he was about a foot away from where she stood.  
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Sounds like an Iowa thing." she said."Riley would like it....' The mention of Riley brought an abrupt silence.  
"His loss." Xander gave Buffy's shoulder a freindly squeaze . Buffy smiled glumly. In an effort to change the subject, Dawn said:"Are there any other slaughterhouses in town?" Xander opened his mouth to answer, but at that moment, the door swung open and in burst Willow. Her gleaming russete hair hung in two braids and her chesnut eyes danced. "Did you hear about Pete's Cows? If you ask me, there's a demon at--" As the mood of the magic stop permeated Willow's consciousness her energetic smile fell. "what's up with all the long faces?" she asked forlornly, rushing to the round table where the others where asembled.  
Buffy riffled through the paper then threw it down on the table. "Ugh." she said. "Spike." "and Riley." Dawn added helpfully. Xander glared.  
Ignoreing her, Buffy forged on. "Spike gets his blood from there." "Oh." Willow looked confused."Am I suposed to be happy?" "NO!" The other three said with perfect orchestration. "Dawn thinks it's immoral to let him fade away."Buffy explained."She's kind of right." "Is it research time?" Willow asked.  
  
The laptop hummed and a pale blue light pulsed from it's moniter. Willow ran a hand through the glow and the humming hastened into a frantic rythum that could be heard in every corner of the magic shop. Her eye's fluttered shut, and she drew strange symbals with her fingures. They seered through the blue light to the moniter, as though she had cut a hole through a barrior. "cyberpagenism is usefull sometimes, miss calender!" Willow said cheerfully as she sat back with a look of satisfaction. Xander, Buffy, and Dawn crowded behind Willow, drawing up chairs are reclining against the dest to get a better veiw. The glow came to a blinding climax, then faded to reveal the moniter. Window after window opened automaticly, like annoying internet popups.  
But popups don't usually get so much attention, are not usually so reveered. Especailly popups concerning slaughterhouses. 


	3. Scene 3

Scene Three Riley was pleased. The agents he'd sent out had done their job well. It was a good offer, a suspicously good offer. Close down your branch of Pete's Cows and you were made for life. The owners had been too astonished to wonder why, and now the vamps would get what was coming for them. A demon was a demon despite chip or soul, and the most dangerous demons were the ones who people trusted.  
Riley was only doing his job.  
Only being a demon hunter.  
So why hadn't he been able to tell his wife the truth? He'd meant to, evan wanted to. But in the end he said it was for her. His wife had recently gone vegitarian. He'd said that was why:that he realized how inhumane slaughterhouses were.  
She'd thought it was a huge over reaction and waste of money, but he knew she was thrilled. Her protests were feeble and without emmotion, and before he'd left, she'd kissed him and wished him luck.  
Now all he had to do was close the deal.  
  
"I'm going out to patroll." Buffy said suddenly. "oh." Willow looked a little hurt. "oh...O.k. We'll just stay here and read about how cows become hamburgers....and look at all the pretty pictures..." As she spoke, Willow look repulsed and pale.  
Tugging on her coat, Buffy said:"I already had to do that. Double Meat Palace, remember?" "oh.Yeah."Willow pushed away from the table and looked up hopefully. "Can I come??" "Sorry." Buffy said, heading for the door,"i think I really need some time to myself." She grabbed a handfull of stakes off the table and left.  
  
Buffy headed for the old Pete's Cows. It seamed like a sensible place to go. And hadn't willow been suspicous it was demons all along? Mabye a good stake through the heart and a dustily ever after would solve the whole problem and she could go back to her usual muddled labrynth of fealings of and for Spike. "here's for hopeing." she whispered, kicking a stone along in frount of her.  
Something moved in the outskirts of Buffy's peripheral vision and she spun around instinctively. Nothing.  
An ugly growl came too late to warn her, and the vamp landed on buffys back like a burr. Inhaleing sharply, Buffy drove her elbow swiftly into her opponents stomach with such force he fell away from her, landing on his back with the wind robbed from his lungs.  
Ovious or not, the vamp was smarter then she'd expected. He grappled her ankle with a cold, vicelike grip. With a shriek, Buffy tripped and landed along side the vampire. The stakes flew from her hand and scattered across the pavement. The vamp sprang to his feat.  
Buffy rolled, her hair flying across her face, one arm extended to grasp a stake. The demon leaned down, reaching for her throat. To choke her? To drink her?  
Buffy didn't wait to find out.  
She let him think she was finished. He didn't grab her wrist because he was intent on holding her down.  
He leaned closer....closer.  
Buffy drove the stake quickly through his heart. His eyes bulged. For a moment, skelital hands groped for her neck.  
Then he arupted and vanished, and Buffy got her dustily ever after, after all.  
She lay on the concrete and stared at the sky, black as a void. Stars where scattered across seamingly at random, the north star burning brighteset of all. But Buffy could make out the big dipper.  
"haven't lost your touch, I see?" Buffy sat bolt upright. "hu-what?" she looked around her for the owner of the voice. She knew who it would be before she saw him, but she didn't really believe-  
Riley Finn held out a firm, solid hand to help her up.  
Buffy stared, her eyes huge and round, and her scarlete lips parted in shock.  
She fitted her hand into his.  
  
"Wha-what are you doing here?" Buffys voice was an octive higher than normal.  
"I had a little unfinished buisness with my old Alliance peers when i left last time, but my wife didn't want to stay, so we went back home to drop her off." he said gruffly. "I wasn't planning on seeing you." Buffy glanced up at the sky. The north star seamed abnormally bright to her. When she looked back at Riley, her eyes were evan brighter. From lurking tears or anger, it was hard to tell. "I'm allowed to have a life, you know. You shouldn't begrudge me for---for what---for spike---when you left. I know you could hear me. And then you blamed it on me and got married. Without so much as a friendly post card."She was almost laughing by the time she finished.  
"no. It's not that. It's just that...I can't see you." "why?" "because whenever I do,I wish I never left." 


End file.
